Moving Forward while Looking Back
by MaryJ43
Summary: April is trying to move on from Jackson, but neither one of them are ready to let go. (Come on, give it a shot)
1. Chapter 1

**Reviews are welcomed. Be gentle with me.**

Moving Foward

April was nervous. The plan was for him to pick her up at the hospital after his shift and then have dinner. She checked her make-up in the mirror, applying a little extra mascara for the occasion. Nervousness quickly morphed into panic as she looked over her outfit in the Attending's lounge mirror. She had gone with a simple white cotton dress with a plum, quarter-sleeve cardigan. The outfit was supposed to say "fun, but modest," instead it seemed boring. She quickly glanced at the clock. Twenty minutes. "Breathe, April. This is meant to be fun," she reminded herself as she turned away from the mirror and gathered her belongings. She heard the door open behind her and turned to see Alex storming into the room followed by Christina.

"Christina, if you're going to freaking live with me, you have to at least keep your shit out of the living room and attempt the dishes."

"Don't badger me Alex. I pay rent. You will do well to live with me. Some of my impressive skills might rub off on you," she retorted. Her response earned her an eye-roll from both Alex and April. Alex glanced around the room. His eyes landed on April.

"Kepner! You move in with me! You cook and clean. Hell, you can stay for free, and if you want I'll kick Miss "God's gift to Surgeons" out on her ass." He began raiding the fridge and pulled out a few containers. Quickly discarding the lids, he passed one to Christina and they began to devour the food.

"Actually, I have an apartment. I just got it and I really like it. And it's just me. Ahhh.. the joys of living by myself and not having to take care of you." She smiled brightly at him while scowled at her. His eyes scanned her up and down. She had grown used to him looking at her like that. It was just him and he wasn't going to change.

"Hey, what's with the get-up?" he asked while filling his mouth full of Jackson's lunch. Christina glanced at her and quirked an eyebrow.

"Yeah Kepner, you got a hot date?"

April's face flushed. She stuttered nervously, "I.. I.. um.. yes. Sort of. A paramedic asked me out and I said yes. And do not judge me. Nothing is wrong with being a paramedic. I'm sure you both have dated worse. Scratch that, Alex, I know you have done much, much worse. I've seen it. So just don't, okay?"

She glanced back and forth between the two who looked half surprised and half uninterested.

"Whatever, no one cares anyway." Alex managed between bites.

"Actually, what about Avery? Does he know about Not-Virgin Mary's rendezvous?" Christina questioned curiously. She loved it when there was other drama besides her own. Anything to make Kepner a little crazy was plenty of entertainment.

April was flustered by Cristina's question. Jackson. She knew how she felt when he told her about Stephanie. It killed her. But thinking about hearing about it from someone else, she knew that would break something between them. Not that they weren't already irreparably damaged, but that was yet to be determined. But she wasn't going to sleep with the medic. He would know that. She didn't figure too much would come from the date. He was just too adorable awkward to say no to. Plus, he was undeniably gorgeous. Honestly, she wanted to avoid telling Jackson because she was scared he would be absolutely fine with it. He wouldn't care that she was moving on.

"Actually, if you could not tell Jackson about it, I would greatly appreciate it." Her tone was enough for both of them to know that she was serious, the look on her face only added to the affect. "I don't know how he feels about me, or if he even still cares, but if he does, I don't want to hurt him over nothing. If this date goes well, I will tell him."

"Fine. I have enough crap to deal with besides getting into you and his drama," Alex barked. Christina just turned back to her food and began reading a chart.

April huffed. Satisfied that they wouldn't say anything, she headed towards the lobby. Bringing up Jackson was not helping her mood. He was always on her mind, in the back, weighing her down. She missed him terribly. His smile, his eyes, his lips, his laugh.. all of it. But he was moving on. Now it was her turn.


	2. Chapter 2

**These characters belong to Shonda Rhimes. I just get to play with them.**

**Thanks for the reviews guys. This is my first story that I am putting out there. I am a huge Japril fan but I also happen to love Justin Bruening from when I was a young teenage girl with a mad crush on the guy from All My Children. He came in and all I could think was "oh boy, Jackson's gonna freak. Go get yours, April!"**

Jackson was in the on-call room waiting for Stephanie. She had texted earlier to let him know that she was going to be just a few minutes late and begged him to wait on her. Stephanie was great and just what he needed. She was smart, funny, and very pretty. She, most importantly, wanted him and only him. There was no baggage to fight with. She wasn't in love with someone else. She didn't hate herself for being with him because she felt she was letting down Jesus. It was fun and new, and it was the perfect distraction from the absence of his best friend. He discarded his scrub shirt and lay back on the bed. He quickly started to fall asleep but the sound of the door opening woke him.

Stephanie rushed in, locking the door behind her. She smiled at him when he sat up on the side of the bed. Ah, finally. He walked up to her while she was muttering apologies for being late. He silenced her with his lips and began yanking on her clothing. There would be no talking, not this time.

…

He rolled off her, sweaty and sated. She curled up to his side and put her head on his chest. He hadn't expected this. Normally the both threw their clothes back on and ran back to whatever they had snuck away from. He smiled to himself. For once he had the upper hand in the relationship. He wasn't the one all in. While he was sure Stephanie wasn't in love with him, he knew that she was hopeful for a future. Jackson wasn't horrible. He was open to the small possibility, at some point, maybe. For now, this was a rebound. Pure and simple. He was on the mend and she was helping.

"What kept you? Normally you beat me here," he asked curiously. She groaned beside of him, tracing the contours of his chest.

"I had to cover the pit again, only today Kepner left early and I was stuck with Smith." He closed his eyes at the mention of her name and willed his brain not to go there when he was with Stephanie. Unfortunately for him, Stephanie didn't know about April and Jackson's relationship so she had no idea what bringing up her name does to him.

"She showed me how to run the pit like a boss, but with her not there it was a bit more difficult. I wonder how her date went. You should have seen this guy." She laughed and kept talking while Jackson's chest constricted. "He's a paramedic. He looks like the All-American football guy, and she looks like the girl next door. They would be perfect. He was so cute when he asked her out. I think she needs someone with the ER closing. She is so nice and bubbly.. and well, bossy too, but in an endearing way."

Jackson needed to get away now. Hearing about April going on a date was enough to make him a bit crazy, but hearing the girl he was currently sleeping with going over all the reasons he had wanted a future with April made him want to run to the bar, only to re-emerge with no memory of her. He sat up and Stephanie followed suit.

"I have to get back, I have to be in the OR in less than an hour, and your friends aren't the best at prepping." He pecked her lips once he fished his boxers out from the blankets. He quickly dressed and walked out the door without a backwards glance. Stephanie was still sitting on the side of the bed, dumbfounded.

"What the hell was that?"

Jackson strode into the elevator, thankfully it was empty. His mind was racing. A date? April Kepner was on a date. What the hell is she playing at? Is she trying to make him jealous? Is she trying to get back at him? He ran his hands over his face and down the back of his head. He had no right to what he was feeling, but that didn't matter. He couldn't help but feel that a part of her still belonged to him. They were over. He had ended it, but he felt like his heart was being ripped out. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. He stepped out and decided nothing but a scalpel would distract him from this development.

**I don't really know how long this story is gonna go or how many chapters it will be. I just have certain scenes played out in my head. Either this chapter or next chapter I am going to have a Japril confrontation. Still deciding if I should write Aprils date or not…. Opinions anyone?**


	3. Chapter 3

**The characters in this story belong to Shonda Rhimes… dammit.**

**Just a few notes. I figured Stephanie didn't know about April and Jackson for sure just because the way all the interns were completely clueless at the wedding. Thinking about it now she probably does, but for this stories sake, she doesn't.**

**This is a Japril story. I love Jackson. I feel like the break up was necessary to get them both to realize how much they want each other. I just keep replaying the way he looks at her, and then you know he wanted that future with her but she kept pushing him away. I wished he hadn't hooked up with the intern, but I understand why he did it.**

**Thank you guys for reading! Your reviews mean the world to me. I can't do the date.. my brain just doesn't know how, but there is a flash back. A scene I really wanted to see but we didn't get. Flashback is in italics.**

_Jackson woke to the smell of coconuts and a face full of soft auburn hair. His arms were wrapped around April's small frame, their hands intertwined and clasped to her chest. Her bare back was against his him and his mouth was close to her neck. He resisted the urge to kiss it and instead went over the events that had led to this. _

_After admitting his feelings for April and going home, she had found him the next day and told him that she wanted more too. Maybe if there was more intimacy she wouldn't feel bad anymore. She suggested a movie date, which quickly changed into take out and redbox at Jackson's place after their shifts. When they sat down on the couch, April sat at the other end of the couch from Jackson, not sure she could actually watch the movie with him close to her, but he quickly moved so he was sitting beside her. His arm around her, slowly moving to trace circles into the side of her neck and the top of her shoulder. She knew what he was doing. He had no interest in the movie and she was powerless to the effects that just the small contact was causing. She gave in, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards his room._

_Which leads to now. April was starting to stir so Jackson stopped fighting his urges and began peppering kisses on the side of her neck. She snuggled back into him, letting out a happy sigh._

_"Good morning," she whispered and stretched. _

_"G'morning, this is nice," he said in her ear. He was genuinely happy. Part of him was waiting for the other shoe to drop, the way it always does. He was going to enjoy this while he could. She began to pull away from him and his heart dropped. She grabbed a t-shirt out of his dresser, one of the advantages of her having lived there and brought him a change of clothes when he couldn't make it home was that she felt at ease and new her way around. She put it on and started walking towards the bathroom, relief washed over Jackson and he settled back into the pillows. She came back into the room a few minutes later and crawled back into bed, laying her head on Jackson's chest. He immediately wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close._

_"Are you okay with this?" He couldn't stop himself from asking. He needed to know she was on board too before he let himself get any deeper. He could do this forever. He already knew that. If she would just accept that maybe the reason she did give herself to him that night was because somehow or another, they had become perfect for each other. He could be the man she married and everything would work out just the way she wanted. He had known that the people who fall in love with their best friends are often the happiest and longest relationships. He had never expected it, but here he was. His best friend was in his arms and he was completely smitten._

_She pulled away enough so she could look directly into his eyes. "I am completely okay with this. It's good to know that this is going somewhere. It isn't just sex. Honestly, I don't think it ever was." He smiled and grabbed her face, kissing her sweetly. The kiss wasn't enough because she instantly deepened it. He rolled so that she was underneath him and he pulled away._

_"Did you brush your teeth?" he asked wondering if that was why she almost caused him to have a panic attack._

_"No, but I did use your Listerine. You don't mind do you?" She looked a bit worried but her hands continued to stroke up and down his back. She rolled her hips against him and he closed his eyes briefly._

_"You could have burned down the bathroom and I wouldn't mind." He was done talking, he ran his hand down her thigh, pulling it up. She wrapped it around his waist. His hands then stared traveling up, over her stomach. His mouth was melded to hers and they were both panting for air when her hands stopped his. "What?" His eyes searched her face._

_She smiled sweetly at him before squirming out from underneath him. She stood a couple feet away from the side of the bed, looking completely disheveled and appetizing. He felt like a puppy who had just had his treat jingled in front of him and then sat down on the counter just out of his reach._

_"I need a favor and since we are now 'together' I guess that means you automatically volunteer." She looked sheepish. "Please?"_

_"Now? You are going to do this now? Please come back here." He reached out to grab her arm so they could finish what they started. She allowed him to pull her back to him but stayed standing. She wrapped an arm around his neck and cradled his face with her other hand._

_"Jackson, today is my only day off, and I happen to know you have the day off too. I need your help moving into my new apartment." He sighed and buried his face in her neck._

_"Fine, fine. I'll help. Can we have sex now please?"_

_"Nope, get up!" She began pulling him out of bed. His being completely naked was a bit distracting so she excused herself to go make coffee. Jackson smiled as he watched her go. His day was going to be good. He got to spend the day with April, watching her have her mini freakouts and over analyzing the placement of the furniture. He was pretty sure there would be a bedroom for him to help her set up, which meant a bed he could seduce on, or a couch, or a counter… _

_Jackson Avery was going to have a great day._

_…._

April walked out of the attending's locker room. She was dreading what was about to transpire. She was going to tell Jackson about her date. It had gone really good. They were both from big families and small towns. She could see a future with him. They would mesh so well together. She just wasn't sure she wanted it. Jackson was still in the way. She just needed to get this out of the way so they could both let go. She had tracked him down in the burn unit. When she stepped of the elevator her nerves started to get the best of her. She wondered if she would still have to urge to kiss him when she saw him or if her new feelings for someone else would squash that desire. She had hoped so. She hoped that with her dating someone and him doing whatever he was doing with the intern, somehow they could go back to being friends. She needed his friendship back. They had been through so much together. She had known him the longest out of anyone in Seattle and she needed the familiarity.

She rounded the corner and saw him at the nurse's station. Her heart instantly jumped to her throat. How had she managed to be friends with him when he looked like that. She shook those thoughts out of her head and walked up to him.

"Jackson," she started. He turned to face her and she was surprised at the look he gave her. He looked detached, like she was just anyone. It took her a moment to recover, but she continued, "Can I talk to you alone for a minute?"

"Sure." He followed her into the closest private room. An on-call room, a very familiar on-call room. April immediately regretted the choice of location but pressed on. She turned to face him. He stood against the door with his hand on the door knob, like he was ready to flee.

"Jackson, I wanted to tell you that I am dating, well… more I went on a date, but it went well so we are going out again. You told me and I wanted to do the same." She stopped rambling and looked at him, trying to read his face. Then it dawned on her. The way he was looking at her. "You already know?"

"Yeah I know. I know that you had a date. Stephanie told me. A paramedic right? I'm glad it went well." His words didn't match his voice or his face. He was hurt. That wasn't what she wanted. They had hurt each other enough. This was about moving on, so they could stop causing each other pain.

"I'm sorry Jackson, I really wanted to be the one to tell you. I forgot that she was there." His face softened.

"It's okay. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I know that we already broke up, but I feel like I am being dumped." He laughed without humor.

She was taken aback by his words. 'Dumped.' She wasn't sure when she was going to get this chance again so she sat down on one of the cots and watched as Jackson came and sat directly across from her on the other one.

"Jackson when you dumped me, I didn't understand. I wanted this, me and you, to work. I just didn't want to complicate things with a baby. I wanted you to be with me because you wanted to be. I didn't want to be pregnant, not because having a baby with you would mean that I would be stuck with you, I would be a very lucky woman if I had been pregnant. You are an amazing man. But I am not ready, I have boards to take and having a new born while studying .." She looked up at him briefly. His eyes were wide and slightly glazed. She could feel the tears stinging her own eyes. "I am new to this whole sex/relationship stuff, you have had all these experiences, but I am just getting started. I wanted to have all those things with you. But you ended it, and I thought maybe it is for the best. I don't know what I am doing and I just seem to keep hurting you. After it ended, I had to fight an overwhelming part of me from finding you and throwing myself at you. I missed you so much. All of you, our friendship, being with you. But when you told me that you were sleeping with Stephanie, I didn't have to fight anymore. You were moving on. I didn't have you to run back to. So, in a way, I think you sleeping with the intern is good. Otherwise we would relapse and just end up worse than we are now. If we both move on then maybe we can go back to being friends. That's what I want. If we get our romance from other people, we can be around each other without hurt or lust, or whatever it is we are feeling for each other at the moment. Jackson, I need you. I need my best friend." Her voice was pleading with him to understand.

His eyes stayed locked on hers, processing what she had just said. Then he closed his eyes, leaning back and taking a deep breath. She waited for him to say something, the silence was killing her. He got up and sat back down beside her.

"April... I don't know how we can go back to friends. I might freak out and punch this guy if I see him touch you in a remotely sexual way. But I do want to try to be friends again. We will take it slow. And keep him away from me. And about the baby scare, I'm sorry. It wasn't just because of what you said when you found out you weren't pregnant. It was what you said. We weren't ready. But this thing between you and me, it isn't over. We aren't over. At some point, we will both be ready for this." She looked at him shocked. Her mouth open and eyes wide, she took in the sincerity in his eyes. He smiled at her, Avery sparkle and all, and then left the room.

**Hope you guys liked it. I struggled with it, but I think it came out alright…**


	4. Chapter 4

**The characters belong to Shonda Rhimes. Thank you guys for the reviews. I never realized how much they mean until I wrote this story. Now I crave them because they are little doses of Prozac.**

Jackson sat in the cafeteria, his eyes never leaving a certain table with a cute, quirky doctor and a freaking paramedic, who, Jackson noticed, was a bit too comfortable with his companion. Jackson's face was scrunched in disgust as he watched the two interact. April was laughing at whatever pathetic story she was being told.

"Man you seriously have to stop being a little bitch. Keep staring like that and someone is gonna call the cops. You know everyone spooks easily now days," Alex piped up from beside him. Jackson never acknowledged him and continued to stare.

"What does she even see in this guy?"

"I think you have it backwards man."

"No, I don't. Look at her." Jackson says with a bittersweet tenderness. "Oh, what the hell!" Matt had now taken April's hand from across the table and kissed her knuckles.

"I'll agree with you on that one." Alex grimaced at the sight. "What about the intern?"

"What about it? It's different. It's just sex."

Christina and Meredith joined the group. Christina sitting beside Alex and Meredith taking the empty seat next to Jackson.

"Pretty Boy, why the long face?" Christina asked in a mock-concerned voice.

"Oh, he is about two seconds from pissing on April's leg," Alex volunteered, receiving death glares from Jackson. Meredith just looked at him with compassion.

The four all turned to the duo. April was still eating up every word from the man's mouth, as if he was Jesus himself. "And then I went to put the man in the back of the ambulance, and he fell off and hit the pavement." Alex said, imitating the paramedic in an absurd macho voice. "Threatened to sue me because I forgot to strap him in, and I was all 'Man, look at me, too much football. You're lucky I can talk.'"

Christina picked up once April started laughing at whatever ridiculous thing had actually been said. She started in her "April Kepner rejection voice," "That's funny, I stitched that guy up. Being a trauma surgeon means all I do is glorified stiches. And make protocol lists. Lists and lists. Being super organized is my life's mission. I'm April Kepner."

Jackson rolled his eyes. They were both ridiculous and were not helping him deal with his current dilemma. He wondered how she looked so calm and carefree when she was possibly going to lose the pit. He couldn't deny the part of him that was happy because that meant much less of the paramedic if was no emergency room.

"One time when I had broken up with Derrick, he had started seeing his scrub nurse. I was pissed he was seeing someone else, but I had needed time to figure things out. We managed to get back together and ended up better than ever." Meredith offered as some sort of consolation.

"Yeah and Izzie was engaged to Denny, she married me though." All eyes turned to Alex.

"Denny died and you're divorced. You're not helping," Meredith stated coolly. "Jackson, if you and April are supposed to end up together it will happen. But sometimes a little time a part will give you enough time to figure out what you want from each other."

"Owen and I were married and could barely be in the same room together. But now I am back from Michigan and we are divorced. Things are better than ever, and the sex," Christina paused in awe, "the sex is fantastic."

Jackson listened to the advice. He tried to let it soak in, reminding himself that this break was good; it was what they needed. He just wasn't sure if April saw it as a break.

"The sex was always fantastic." Jackson responded. It was the truth. The sex had been amazing every time. The first two times were amazing and unexpected. When she came back and they started sleeping together it was like they were on fire for each other. He missed the sex. He missed it a lot.

"Uh oh, they are finished eating, everyone avert your eyes!" Christina hissed discretely. Everyone looked away and tried to act busy. Jackson didn't however, he kept staring. April stood from her seat, her eyes bouncing around the room until they locked onto Jacksons. He could feel the tension, even though they were separated by at least 100 feet. She smiled apologetically as the paramedic took her hand after discarding the trash. She left and Jackson's heart almost sank to the floor. That was it. He was going to be whatever she needed to make sure he didn't lose her to the bone headed jock. He was going to start over. He was going to venture back into the friend-zone, conquer it once again and throw this guy back in ambulance, where he belonged.

**As always, I would love a review. It means so much that you guys care. This was not my best chapter, took me awhile to figure out how to get this part right. By the way, I do like the paramedic, as much as it looks otherwise.**

**Don't know how I managed to write this as I have been fangirling-the-eff-out over New Girl.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I really shouldn't be writing this. I have homework that needs to be done. Oh well**

**Miss Shonda Rhimes owns the peeps. **

April was sitting at the bar after spending all night trying to save the ER. She was drowning her sorrows with none other than her least favorite peer and the Chief of Surgery. Owen knocked back another shot and scrunched his face. Christina signaled for more shots as April downed her tequila.

"We are so screwed. What happens to me?" April looked to Owen for answers, but he looked just as lost as she felt.

"Oh Kepner, we will figure it out, you will be fine. But for tonight, I don't wanna talk about it. I want to forget." Owen slammed his newly arrived shot. April followed suit and was feeling warm, she was at the fork. She was either going to cry about her problems, or she was going to forget. It seemed fate had decided for her because her gorgeous ex walked into the bar, alone. Inhibitions be damned. She was going to go talk to him.

He didn't notice her, which meant she had to get up from the corner booth she was in and make the long, impossibly difficult walk over to the bar stool he was propped on. She wiped her mouth, making sure any access liquor was cleared from her face.

"Kepner, where you going? Oh, I see, Pretty Boy is here." Christina smiled before holding her shot glass up to April. "Whatever helps. Cheers!" Christina took her shot as April started her journey. After running into a few chairs and people, muttering apologies where necessary, she finally made it to him.

"Jackman!" She enthusiastically grabbed his shoulder and smiled goofily at him. When he turned to face her she forcefully swallowed, instantly realizing talking to him might be a mistake. As soon as she felt the full effect of his eyes, her body warmed even more.

"Ah, I see Drunk April has made an appearance." He smiled at her, motioning for her to have a seat next him.

"Yes and she is in need of a distraction, so distract away." She waved her hand in front of her, signaling for him to proceed.

"Okay." He laughed. Oh, how she'd missed that sound. "What would you like me to distract you with?"

"Well, friend," she exaggerated the word, "what where you doing while I was running around like an idiot, absolutely wasting my time. Unless you were doing the intern, I don't want to know about that."

Jackson quirked an eyebrow at her before taking a long swig of his scotch. "Well I made an ass of myself in front of Dr. Cahill. I was ranting to Hunt about how all of these "time saving strategies" were actually costing us more time and how she was completely useless. She was in the OR. She was controlling the coratid." Jackson grimaced at the memory but April busted out laughing.

"Sounds like something that would happened to you. You have an amazing talent of sticking your foot in your mouth." She smiled fondly, "you have a lot of amazing talents."

Jackson's eyes widened a tiny bit before the look came across his face, the look that took her back to the moment before he locked the bathroom door in San Francisco. That sly, sensual smile that awoke that all too familiar burning that he was so good at igniting… and fueling… and quenching.

"Stop it Jackson, please don't look at me like that. It does things to me," she admitted. To her disappointment, he only leaned closer to her.

"What kinds of things?" he asked sinfully. Her heart and her body both wanted to fill him in but the fogginess in her brain was clear enough for her to know that she needed to pull back. She shook her head at him.

"The kinds of things that two people who are trying to be friends should not be doing to each other." He nodded his head in agreement.

"Right, we are friends." His demeanor changed. It was as if he put up a wall. Only April was grateful for this wall. She needed it or she was going to do things that would jeopardize all the moving on she was attempting. "Well as your friend, I am going to take you home. You are trashed, my little light weight." He finished his drink before grabbing her arm and linking it into his. She let him. This was something they had done plenty of times before they started walking towards the door. She pulled away from him suddenly, running back to the bar and downing one more shot for the road. She stumbled back to him, giddy from the alcohol. He rolled his eyes at her but smiled in amusement. She did not want her buzz to wear off yet.

Jackson helped her up to her apartment. They now stood in the elevator waiting to arrive at her floor. She had insisted that she could make it okay without any assistance but he had completely ignored her and parked his car. Now she stood there wavering at the front of the elevator, Jackson standing back in the corner. Even with the alcohol numbing the pain of losing the ER, she felt the pull that was between them. As soon as they arrived at her floor she bolted to her door. She fumbled with her keys, trying to get inside and away from him. She felt his hands taking her keys and unlocking the door, pushing it open for her. She giggled at her lack of coordination and walked inside. Jackson followed her in but stayed at the doorway. She turned to him, not knowing what was going through his mind. He had barely said two words to her since they left the bar. He sat her keys on the table next to the door and walked up to her. She inhaled sharply, reminding herself that they aren't together anymore. They were both with other people. He leaned down, kissed her forehead, and turned away. He quickly walked out the door, shutting it behind him. April just stared at the door, hating that she wished he would come back.

**I hope you guys liked it. So excited for next week, that was a lot of Japril in one promo.**


	6. Chapter 6

April sat in her living room floor with books scattered everywhere around her. Papers, smuggled charts, X-rays covered almost every surface except for the space that was occupied by Jackson. He sat on her couch holding the stack if index cards that he had been quizzing her on for the past two hours. April dramatically collapsed backward, groaning in frustration.

"Jackson, this is ridiculous, if I can't get through this than how am I supposed to make it through the boards again?"

"Come on April, you'll do fine this time. You still have a while to get ready."

She took her arm off her eyes to gaze disbelievingly at him. Jackson smiled brightly at her. He was always so good at reassuring her.

"I think you just need a break. Let's get some food and get some fresh air. It's just what the doctor ordered." He smirked boyishly at her before clearing his lap, getting up, and offering his hand to her.

She grabbed it, and he pulled her up to her feet. "Um, actually, Matt should be here in a little bit; he was going to bring me Chinese." Even though they had been hanging out for the past week, trying to salvage their friendship, talking about each other's current romantic interest was a sore spot. Jackson gave away nothing though.

"Okay, well then I guess we shouldn't. How's that going by the way? You and Matt, I mean." April's eyes widened in shock, but recovered quickly.

"We are good. It's going really great. He actually likes me, who would have thought!" She laughed.

"That is good. And of course he likes you. You are amazing."

"Jackson..." She warned, "You don't have to say that, I know I drove you insane."

"Yeah, but in a good way." She arched an eyebrow before laughing. Jackson grabbed his coat.

"Well I am going to go." He began to walk towards the door, her following behind him. As he opened the door he turned to her, "I mean it, if he doesn't love the way you tuck your hair behind your ear when you're nervous, or the way you spend more time with patients than is actually acceptable just because you care too much, then he is an absolute idiot." The sincerity in his eyes took her breathe away.

"Who's an idiot?" Matt walked up to April's door, ending the moment that the doctors were caught in.

"Oh, hey!" April greeted Matt, her voice betraying her and wavering slightly. "Karev, he was just being a pain in the ass today." She explained. "Well Jackson, I will see you later." She quickly stood to the side so Matt could come inside, following him in and shutting the door behind her. Needing to get Jackson out of her head, she walked up to Matt and kissed him softly. "Thank you for bringing me dinner." She wrapped her arms around his torso, trying to ignore the pain in her chest. The last week of being friends with Jackson were great because she missed him, but acting as if there was nothing between them was taking it out of her. She was tired of him and his tiny little comments that made her heart flutter. She wasn't going to do this with him anymore. Matt deserved better and she was going to be happy in this relationship.

"Did you get a lot of studying done?" Matt was running soothing circles up and down her back.

"Yeah, I did." She mumbled into his chest. "Thank you for understanding about Jackson. I know it must be weird, your girlfriend's best friend/ex helping her study all the time."

One of his hands tangled into her hair and turned her head so she would look him in the eye. "I'm not gonna lie, it would be easier if he didn't look the way he did, but I get it. We all have complicated pasts, yours could be much worse."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I happen to think you are wonderful." She stood on her tip toes and kissed him soundly, wrapping her arms around his neck to bring him closer.

April banged on the door of her old apartment. It was late, but she couldn't wait. They needed to have this out now. Jackson opened the door alarmed. He was bare-chested and in pajamas. He had clearly been sleeping. "April? What's the matter? What happened?" The panic in his voice made her feel a tad guilty, but it wasn't enough to stop her. She pushed past him and walked inside.

"I just had to talk to you and it couldn't wait." She sat her purse down on the couch and stood propped against the side of it.

"Okay, if I'm honest, you're scaring me a bit." He locked his door back and turned to April watching her attentively. She smiled solemnly at him. Her best bet was to go ahead and get it out.

"Jackson, we can't be friends." She looked down at her hands, not sure she could say this while looking at him. She risked a glance at him and the instant they locked eyes she knew this would be ugly. She kept going, pressing the point further. "No matter how bad I need you in my life, I can't keep going through this. I'm trying to move on but there you are, being my friend, but you might as well be kissing me, because that's what I want. And it's not fair Jackson. I get to move on and give this thing with Matt a real chance. He is willing to wait for me, and I'm not even a virgin. I have to let go of you. Completely."

Jackson looked confused and irritated. "What are you talking about? I'm not going to stop being friends with you. Why are you doing this now?"

Her voice raised, "you broke up with me, remember? You said me not being pregnant was a sign," her voice had begun to shake. "Then you started sleeping with Edwards. And now, I can feel it, you pulling at me. You can't do this to me. It's tearing me apart." Her eyes had welled up with tears, but she fought them off.

"You set me and Edwards up." Jackson rebutted weakly.

"And you set me and Shane up! Did I screw him in the parking lot?" she snapped.

Jackson went rigid. "Dammit April, you cannot put this whole thing on me!" He was shouting now. "You have pushed and pulled at me since San Francisco. You threw yourself at me at the boards..."

"Threw myself at you?" April screeched. "It didn't take too much convincing, Jackson!" She bit out his name.

"...And then you freaked and kicked me out," his voice rising even more. "Then you had sex with me in the bathroom! And then you wanted to forget all of it even happened!"

"I explained all that to you!" April was standing now. The harshness in his voice was causing adrenaline to fill her veins.

"I tried to do the right thing when you came back from Moline. You were "revirginizing", remember? But no!" He threw his arms in the air dramatically.

"I don't remember hearing any protests from you when we were locked in those on call rooms!" She scoffed.

"No, you didn't, because I wanted to be with you. Hell, I wanted to be with since the boards, but you wouldn't stop pushing me away! And then that damn pregnancy scare happened," he stopped looking less angry and more defeated. "That's when I realized that you weren't ready for this, and I just couldn't do this. I couldn't keep fighting you every step of the way."

April felt horrible. She didn't realize how much she had actually hurt him. Some of his anger returned.

"Our train wreck of a relationship is where it's at because of both of us."

"I never wanted to hurt you, but everything was so messed up. You keep saying that I didn't want this, but dammit Jackson, you have never said you love me, you have never even hinted at wanting a future with me, other than when you said 'let's get married.' But even then, you had just told me you weren't ready to be anyone's husband. It is definitely both our faults. But why are you trying to wreck what I have with Matthew now? And don't you dare say you aren't!" That was why she came here, to find out why he is wedging himself between her and any future she hopes of having.

He stared at her for a few long moments before speaking. "Because when we broke up, I thought that at some point you would be ready for this. But it didn't occur to me that it just might be me you weren't ready for. And then the fucking paramedic came into the picture. All I could see was you falling for him, marrying him, and have babies with him, and we would never have the chance to really do this. "

April stood stock still, her mind going over his confession. It wasn't jealousy. He was holding on to a future with her.

"But you want me to let go right? So you got it. I am done. You can go have your happily ever after with him." The resignation in his voice shook her to the core. She hadn't expected this. She wanted to back pedal, to take the whole altercation back. "I'm tired. You should leave." He said dejectedly. He opened his door.

"Jackson, I ... I.." she was scrambling for words.

"Please just go."

April shook her head, quickly wiped her eyes, and bolted out the door. She walked into the elevator fighting her tears. She had wanted closure. Nothing felt closed; she felt ripped open and unsure about everything.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi guys! Sorry it took me so long to update, but this chapter did not want to be written. I had parts of it in my head, but stringing it together was infuriating. There was many rewrites and I just.. It was difficult. But thanks for reading!**

Jackson had been following his mother around all day doing damage control. He had agreed to move to Boston. He hadn't realized that it would happen so quickly, but within a matter of days, he was to start. He was doing his best to keep it under wraps, but with his mother, this proved to be a difficult task.

She had already gone to his apartment and drug out all his suitcases. She had told him what he had to take and needed to leave, completely ignoring his protests. Jackson was a grown man. He knew how to pack.

His mother had told Webber, Meredith, and Yang. Somehow Jackson had managed to keep them quiet. But it seemed all that effort was in vain because the person he didn't want to find out was standing in front of his mother.

April was looking attentively at his mother, hanging on to her every word, as Jackson approached.

"Mom..." He tried to stop her from saying anything else.

"Jackson, hush now. I'm trying to talk to my dear, Kepner." April's eyes flashed to Jackson's, only to revert quickly back to the woman standing beside him. It had been that way since that night in the apartment. She steals glances at him, always looking like she wants to say more. He hadn't seen too much of the paramedic, but had heard from Meredith that they were still going strong.

"April, honey, you are going to have to find yourself a new best friend. It seems my beautiful baby has decided to join me in Boston." April's face didn't change for several seconds. Jackson watched as the comprehension took hold. Shock spread across her face, followed quickly by hurt. Her eyes were now locked with Jackson's, her mouth slightly open.

"I was going to tell you." He tried explaining. "I just haven't found a good time…" he trailed off when she began to speak.

"When.. when are you leaving?" Jackson shifted on his feet uncomfortably. He looked around the hospital for an escape route. He didn't want to look at her face; her voice was enough to break him.

"Oh, baby, there is Richard. I'll just let you two talk while I catch up with him." She scurried off towards Webber while Jackson stood there awkwardly. He had kept his distance like she wanted. This was the first conversation he was having with her since she told him to leave her alone. He knew moving away from her was going to likely kill him, but the decision to leave had been obvious. With everything that was going on at the hospital and the idea of watching as April began her life with Matt, there really wasn't an alternative.

"Jackson?" He forced himself to look at her again.

"I leave in 2 days." She just kept staring at him; it was if she didn't believe him. "April, I'm sorry. This all came about so fast," he offered.

"I... I'm sorry, I have to go check on my patient." She turned away from him and practically ran. Jackson watched her go. It was for the best; now wasn't the time to get into this. He would rather not get into it at all, but he would like to at least get a good bye.

Jackson walked down the hall to his apartment. He pulled out his key only to find the door was already unlocked. He slowly turned the knob, peeking in cautiously. He pushed the door further open and saw her sitting at the kitchen table.

"April… What are you doing here?" He noticed she was just staring at whatever she was holding in her hands, not acknowledging him. He slowly walked through the living room and stood against the counter. "April," he tried again. She finally looked up at him. There were tears streaming down her face. His heart clenched painfully at the sight.

"I thought I should give you your shirt back," she smiled wistfully. "You left it at my apartment a while back, and I kept it. It made for a very good night gown." She reluctantly laid the shirt on the table and looked back at him. "I wanted to see you, alone, before you left." Jackson swallowed at her words. He wasn't sure where this was going, but he was pretty sure it was going to hurt.

She looked at him timidly. "Are you leaving because of me?" He wasn't sure what to say to that. He decided to go with the truth.

"Partly." She didn't seem surprised at his answer. "The hospital being taken over by sharks and they offered me a great deal to move..."

She smiled sadly at him from her seat at the table. "Jackson," she mused, "have you ever heard the French proverb, 'Love is friendship set on fire?'" He had no idea what she was talking about so he simply shook his head no in reply.

"I heard it a long time ago, but recent events have brought it back, and I keep playing that through my head." She dropped her eyes from his and started playing with her fingers. "You gave me the space I asked for, and I appreciate that, I really do. It gave me the chance to sort through this mess I've created." He noted her putting all the blame on herself, a gracious but false act. "Living without you has been the absolute worst. We made so many mistakes, but I think we were just too terrified of making the wrong move with each other because we didn't want to lose our friendship, and in the end, we screwed everything up, and I threw in the towel because I thought trying to fix this would hurt too much." She seemed to be looking at him, but avoiding his eyes. He listened intently, his eyes fixed on her, hoping for a sign so he could read her better. She took a deep breath but looked down at her lap again. "What I didn't realize was that you are a part of me, and it's not because you took my virginity, or because you were the first guy who could actually stand being around me. We have been through so much together and we only grew closer… and closer." She smiled and blushed slightly, "and then really close, until it got to the point that I am not me without you. It's like I don't function right when I'm not with you." Jackson nodded his head in understanding, because he did feel the same way. She finally looked him in the eye confidently. "So what I am saying is… stay." She took a deep breath. "Stay with me, because if you leave, it would be taking away my oxygen and smothering me because you set me on fire a long time ago and I am so in love with you. I cannot pinpoint the moment it happened, because it just snuck up on me. But there it is, I love you. Stay here and be with me."

Jackson's mind was reeling. Was she really saying this to him? His heart was hammering in his chest as he fought his urge to scream to the high heavens in happiness. She had never looked so beautiful. "April," he cooed. He walked up to her and grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet. "I love you too. I do. So much." He leaned in the kiss her but she pulled back from him and intertwined their fingers.

"I need you to think about this first." She was smiling triumphantly at his admission. "I am going to leave and let you think this through because I cannot promise you to not ever freak out again over religion or sex. I cannot promise a happy future, because let's face it, we do work at 'Seattle Grace-Mercy Death,' and I still want to wait to have sex, at least until we figure out if we can make this work for good. It's a lot to think about, and I want you to be sure." She wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him down towards her mouth. When he felt her lips on his again, he swore he felt the earth move. He quickly threaded his fingers through her hair and pulled her in closer. She groaned into his mouth and pulled away slightly. "Really think about this Jackson," she said breathlessly. She rested her forehead against his before completely pulling away from him. She started walking towards the door, only looking back once she had the door open. "I really hope you stay." She smiled optimistically at him before closing the door.

Jackson stood in the kitchen for a good ten minutes trying to process what had just happened. They said 'I love you" to each other. He had never said that to a girl before. She asked him to stay and be with her. He had a million questions to ask her but right now, he couldn't stop the ear-to-ear grin that had taken over his face. He began walking around his apartment putting things back where they go. He unpacked his clothes and movies; all the while, his mind was pondering the ways he could survive being with her without being "with her."

**The wonderful paramedic will be addressed in the next chapter. I am so ready for Thursday. They only gave us a little tease last week, but I loved how Jackson would do anything for April, and April knows she can always depend on Jackson. They are so good. My thoughts on Shonda Rhimes is she never gives you what you want, until she does, and she blows your everloving mind. So I'm looking forward to that moment. **

**Please Review, I need to know what you guys think!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry guys, between sickness, school, and work, this just kind of took the back burner. But I am back and newly inspired. So I hope you like it. Last weeks episode is kind of included. Just forget the Shane and Stephanie stuff. And the Japril stuff from the episode before. I really loved it though. I just wish April would stop telling Jackson how much she likes him.**

April walked into the hospital with her head down. She was mentally drained from all the extremes her mind had been taking her in the last few hours. It was true the hospital was probably gone, but there is no way he would leave her. Well, why wouldn't he? He could go to Boston, get away from her and be the Avery he was supposed to be, without having to deal with her craziness.

She opened the door to the Attending's Lounge hoping to find out something, anything. She had so many questions. Did he stay? Is the hospital done? Who the hell is going to hire her? She stopped short when she found Meredith and Christina sitting on the couch, both in their scrubs and in ponytails.

"Wha… Um.. Are you guys back?" She allowed herself to hope. "That's good right? I mean… you quit; surely you wouldn't come back to a sinking ship," she reasoned, more to herself than to them.

"You didn't hear?" Meredith asked incredulously.

"Of course she didn't. Avery has his panties in too much of a wad over her and Mr. All-American." Christina volunteered.

April's confusion multiplied. "Jackson? What does he have to do with this?" She looked between the two doctors. "We.. we talked last night, he was packing. Why do I feel like everything has changed in the last 8 hours and I missed it all?"

"You're right, a lot happened this morning. It's good…" Meredith offered. "I hope." She added quietly. "You should go find Jackson. I don't know where you two are at, but I do know he could probably use your help."

"My help? Okay." April kept staring at the women who kept stealing glances at each other. She needed clarification but neither one seemed willing. Christina finally perked up.

"I think he is assisting Bailey today. He is probably in general." April nodded in acknowledgement, offered her thanks, and quickly left the room. She was desperate for answers.

She found him right where Christina had told her he would be. He was sitting alone in one of the research rooms. April took the moment just to take him in. He had his head in his hands slumped over on the desk. She had no idea what was going on but her heart had sank. He was in turmoil and she prayed it wasn't because of her. She wanted to make him happy, she as sure as hell didn't want to see him like this. She timidly tapped on the door frame.

She smiled at him awkwardly, "Hey there."

He quickly raised his head, weakly smiling at her. "April," he breathed out.

"I was hoping I would see you today, but I was wanting it to be a happier occasion. What's going on Jackson?" He raised his eyebrows at the question.

"You haven't heard?"

"Um.. no? I did, however, see Christina and Meredith. They were being cryptic and Meredith just told me to find you." She walked further into the room and shut the door. "Jackson, please tell me what's going on."

Jackson took a deep breath and stood up. "The airplane crash victims were trying to buy the hospital, but the investor they were trying to get turned them down." April couldn't believe all of this went down without her knowing about it. "And then my mother," the word 'mother' sounded derogatory, "swooped in and saved the day."

"Jackson, that's great!" She focused on the words saved the day and instantly her entire body relaxed just a bit. "I mean, even if your mom is going to be around more often, everyone still has jobs. We don't have to deal with Pegasus." His expression didn't change.

"April, my mom isn't going to be running the hospital. She said the Harper Avery Foundation elected me to sit on the board as the 51% shareholder. She bought me a hospital." Jackson finished.

April's heart fell. He was here and miserable because of his mother, because she put him in charge. He wasn't here because of her. He isn't staying because of her, to be with her.

"Oh, wow. Okay." She scrambled. Most of her wanted to turn and run away quickly but then again, it was Jackson, he deserved her support. Jackson's faced scrunched up in confusion as the tears she was fighting so hard started to pool in her eyes. Seeming to understand where her head went he quickly closed the distance between them and grabbed both her hands, slightly startling her.

"Hey, I stayed because of you. I meant it when I said I love you." April's eyes searched his and upon seeing the sincerity in them, a smile broke out across her face. She gripped his hands harder and dropped her forehead to his chest, taking a deep breath as relief and happiness washed through her.

"So you love me? That's good to know, cause I happen to be head over heels for you." She looked back up at him and grinned cheekily. His face still held some tension, but the warmth and intensity in his eyes made her melt just a bit. His hand untangled from hers and moved up to her neck. Then his fingers threaded into her hair, his thumb massaged the spot just behind her ear. She closed her eyes and gave herself over to the feelings he stirred in her, reveling in the knowledge that he was hers and leaned into his hand. She felt his lips on hers. She quickly responded by wrapping her arms around his neck and eagerly moved her lips against his. The hunger that this man had a habit of bringing out of her came on in full force the moment his tongue entered her mouth. Body parts started tightening and weakening and her brain went fuzzy. She pulled back when one of his hands snaked under her scrub top and on her bare back.

"So Meredith said you need my help?" She said between pants as she willed her body to cool down. Kissing him like that was a slippery slope. She still hadn't opened her eyes yet, too afraid that having him this close, and knowing what those eyes would do to her resolve.

"Um… yeah." The huskiness in his voice did not help the situation and April took another step backwards so that his hands fell down at his sides. She finally opened her eyes knowing that the space between them would be enough to acknowledge her lousy distraction.

"Well I'll do what I can. What do you need me to do?" She questioned. He smirked at her, and she blushed. "I didn't… let's focus here."

"Okay. Well, I have no idea what I am doing here. I know nothing about the administrative side of things. And you, being the wonderful, marvelous person that you are, do." He complemented with a trace of desperation in his voice.

"Okay. I will help you as much as I can, but Jackson, why are you doing this? I mean, I know you. You don't want this. At least, not yet," she questioned curiously. He just looked at her for a few moments before he nodded his head.

"You're right. I don't. But this is my chance to prove myself to my family, and I want to make a difference, I want to have a say. I can't not try." April grinned at him, slightly inspired.

"You're wonderful," she whispered. She walked up to him again and grabbed his hand. She opened the door and pulled him behind her.

"Where are we going?" She didn't turn to look at him, but simply kept walking. She couldn't deny the joy she felt at holding his hand in public.

"To your office. I am assuming you have one. We have to get started."

Three hours later, Jackson and April were still pouring over reports and approvals. Schedules had been signed, meetings confirmed and a slightly less tense Jackson sat next to April at the conference table.

Jackson suddenly put down his pen. April looked up from her stack of papers to investigate why he was staring at her.

"Yes?"

"I know I shouldn't ask, but what happened with you and the paramedic?" She wasn't expecting that question. It was actually one she was hoping never to talk about.

"Oh, um… As soon as I found out that you were leaving I pretty much had a miniature breakdown and there he was, comforting me. This great guy was comforting me because my best friend was leaving, and in that moment, I realized that I would never be over you, and I wasn't being fair to him. He deserved better than someone who would always want someone else." She watched as Jackson took in what she was saying. He seemed pleased with the answer. She found the courage to ask about Stephanie.

"And you and Evans?" He didn't look alarmed or uneasy with the question, which made her feel a little better.

"We ended things when I thought I was leaving. She wanted to give the long distance thing a shot and I knew that she wanted a real relationship but I knew that I didn't, not with her." His gaze caused her heart to flutter.

"So we are good then?" she asked.

He smiled at her, Avery sparkled at full wattage. "Yeah. You and me." She beamed back at him before wrapping her arm under his bicep and resting her head on his shoulder.

**Reviews make me update faster! Love any and all feedback! Sorry, not beta. Hope there weren't to many mistakes.**


End file.
